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| Darn magazine |
| 06.29.04 (1:04 am) [edit] |
Alright after reading that darn Christian magazine some guy dropped off at my work, it's made me wonder lately.
Sometimes I wonder, does "Everything happen for a reason"? I don't have a religion or a faith, but I do have my own beliefs in life, in God... I suppose I could read what the Bible says, go to church, or ask a religious person...but I don't think it would satisfy me. I've never read the Bible or gone to church so I don't know what so many people believe in. I guess my reason is I don't understand the purpose, the point, the meaning behind it all. Part of me wants to, part of me doesn't. It gives people the strength, the feeling they feel they need when times are hard or times are confusing and they feel that's the only thing to turn to. But why turn to a cross, a book, a preacher, a priest, a building that has this sacredness about it? I don't understand. I've always wondered. Maybe I wish I could understand and could have what others hold close to them. Have what they use to comfort them when they're in need. I guess I analyze it too much, isn't it all just an idea? An idea of believing in God, an idea of believing in a higher power, a choice we choose to believe in when we don't understand something... are sad... worried... lost.... alone... unhappy? I go back and forth, which is the reason why I just can't pick up a Bible. I do remember what some people said in times of hardship to the questions I wanted to know so badly. The answers were so unspecific, so similar, so vague that it just didn't make any sense and answered nothing. Just gave me more questions. A piece of me hopes to understand someday, without words...actions...literature...just someday....to know.
Well it's just a thought. Later ; )
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| Forgiveness |
| 06.19.04 (12:55 pm) [edit] |
It's never easy to forgive, but I'd rather forgive than forever be angry over something. I'd rather try and get past something than let it eat away at me. It may not make sense to some, but it makes enough sense to me. Though I'd forgive, I never said I'd forget. I know that others out there would do the same thing for the person they care about or love. I'm not trying to slap those in the face that listened and gave me advice. I appreciate it and just wanted you three to know that, thank you guys.
Now, when it comes down to it, do I sound like a freaking hypocrite? Fuck yeah. That's fine with me, I'll say it. You do what you need to do, is from now on my advice for people crazy enough to ask me for advice in relationships, because I'm going to do the same. I don't know if chances ever run short, but I'm not going to worry about stupid stuff like that and just enjoy each day as it comes. I'll face those things when they come. I don't want to do something I'll regret and I want to be with him and only him. If I could do it over again, I'd still say yes. I've said it before, I'll say it again, my feelings won't change about him.
[i]'There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away
It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you'[/i]
On a lighter note, GO SEE DODGEBALL! That movie was freakin hilarious.
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| Nothing |
| 06.16.04 (1:57 am) [edit] |
Visited Washington Memorial Park. I can't figure out a reason why. Just decided to.
[url=] http://home.comcast.net/~icygrl02/pm.jpeg [/url]
It hurts........
Though I know I'm physically worn out from my jobs, it's numb...I don't feel it until I'm not working...Sometimes I forget to eat. I wish I could work more, to stay even more busy. Don't know what to do with my time when I'm not working....I dislike it, coming home to nothing....having a few hours is too much time and too much sinks in....Inside hurts so badly, worse than the outside. No anger, just sadness....Nothing makes sense....It feels as though my neck has been slit....and I can neither breathe nor say a word...there is only pain....my pain..........
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| His Requests |
| 06.14.04 (2:22 am) [edit] |
After a long day of work, 7 hours of constant on my feet procedures, I come home to nothing but grief and confusion. It's almost become a consistent thing.
Though what my eyes read, my heart processes later, with work to worry about in less than 5 hours I don't really have much of a choice.
I never thought about time, analyzed the way I feel, or wondered was I happy enough. Why worry about things that will just make me scared, nervous, or frustrated. Those reasons were never things that always came to mind every second I was alone. I lived for the moments I was with him, the moments of how I felt then and there, or looking at a picture and thinking of how much this person means to me. It's true my life has been relatively or compared to some, a thousand times easier, than others and I'm very thankful. It wasn't as if I had a choice, I don't know, I guess I was lucky. If everyone who's had a bad life growing up had a choice, they'd all want a loving, caring, happy family. The thing is, everyone has had bad things happen in there life, from childhood to where we are now, some worse than others, and I'm not trying to put myself in others shoes or say I know how they feel...I don't. Truth is no one knows exactly how the other person feels, because if it truly does hurt, it's too hard to describe.
Worrying about little things like not enough time, busy schedules, or whether or not things are headed anywhere, will tear people apart. Slow down, there's always time and just enjoy the company of someone that cares about you. In my first real relationship, he let it get to him and soon after I let it get to me. Since the ending of that relationship, I'd feel this deep sadness and for a while I just tried to disregard it. But as the months passed, it pained me. When he tragically passed away from his accident, the feeling of regret and emptiness was unbarable. Not ever knowing his feelings, was like a knife in my heart. Each day going deeper and deeper. I felt as though I deserved the pain. I still believe I do. I'd rather take the guilt, the blame, than point a finger and make excuses. As more days passed, it's as though everything went numb, my family, my friends, anything and everything. It all felt like nothing and it all made no difference.
As I said before, we can't know what others feel, no one will know what I felt. I know other people out there have had painful times as well. I'm not trying to say mine is far more worse. I'm just sharing it. It's been a year almost and I still regret many things. I can't say for sure when things became less hard. I can just say I found something, someone that was special in their own way. I wasn't trying to find love, up until this I had only loved one guy. But I'll admit, I thought love was the last thing I wanted, why want something that won't last, that will hurt so much and just cause you pain and sadness in the end. Is it worth it.
But...I fell for him...the one who's life has been hard, lonely, hurt, sad, unsure. I fell for him...the one who has never been loved by a woman, who is afraid to be hurt, who can't open his heart. I fell for him...and don't care about his habits, don't care about his past, don't care about how much he makes or spends, don't care if he's tough or manly...I just enjoy being with him. I never said forever, for anything, but no matter what happened, I'd always have a special place for him. I never expected anything, how could I expect someone who hasn't loved anyone or feel loved, fall for me and love me in months. Things don't happen like that. No promises, no guarantees. Every smile, every laugh, every moment I saw him happy, was enough for me. It was enough.
As for the first thing he requested from me, I'm sorry I cannot. I will never forget him, forget the time I spent with him, forget just how happy I was, forget the love I feel for him or how special he really is to me, I can't. You're not some page to write out, you're someone, someone I intend to hold very dear to my heart. I am sorry though, that I couldn't make you happy enough, that I couldn't give you the feelings you wanted to feel, that I just wasn't the girl who could give you what you wanted. If I was what you were looking for, you would've opened your heart to me, but I'm not. This all deeply saddens me, but I'd rather things be straight forward and blunt, than sugar-coated with lies. I will not run or hide, I'll face this, no matter how much it hurts. I still don't understand, but there's nothing I can do. I still believe in a way he worries about what he is afraid of, and it leads to negativity, but also the excuses to run. His choice is made and I'm just an obstacle in his way, blocking him, slowing him down, doing the opposite of what I want, making him unhappy. If anything, the last part is what kills me the most. Shrouded in mystery, his words feel cold as ice. But I would have rather faced the blizzard of it all in person, than receive it online. If I meant something, couldn't he respect me enough to face me. But I guess I answered my question.
With that said, his second request for me to not come over and to not call, out of respect for him, I'll do as he asks. What's done is done, his words make these clear enough, I'm not his girlfriend, I'm not his friend, I'm just a memory if he chooses. He's free to do whatever free means to him. But I won't forget, I'll never forget. I'd do anything to make him happy, even if it means being out of the picture for good.
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| Too long |
| 06.08.04 (8:21 pm) [edit] |
Just sitting here alone, family in town, so they went out to eat. I had work till 8, it's ok, wasn't hungry anyways. Ugh what to do for dinner, maybe I'll just skip. Long day. Too long. This end of the year is happening just like last year's. Nothing I can do. How I feel about it and right now, for the most part I won't say because it doesn't matter. And those 3 guys below, don't say anything either.
Ryan, Hines, Alex, this time is different and I don't know what to tell ya. I'll just say, I'll try not to do what you guys don't want me to do to all of you, but you know my history. Thanks though.
To anyone who actually reads this, please don't leave any comments.
[b]Dashboard Confessional[/b] - Vindicated
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| Up-Coming |
| 06.06.04 (8:15 pm) [edit] |
Graduation coming up, woohoo. It's June 10th. Sean said he's coming...except he requested the wrong day off hahaha. But the main thing is he made the attempt to get the day off and said he'd come. So YAY. Also just realized it'd be our 3 month anniversary. Damn can't spend it with him, darn grad night, hopefully that won't be a $120 waste of my time.
Saw [u]The Goonies[/u] this weekend at the apt, apparently haven't seen that many "critical/essential" movies... eh (imagine my look of disappointment or care). Sorry if I didn't sit on my ass in front of the television screen all day when I was a kid. I'll see them eventually, just so I don't have to take all the shit I get. Bastards. That's about it.
[b]Sugarcult [/b]- "Memory"
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SONG(s) :
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
Huh ......
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