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| Fact? |
| 08.26.04 (12:20 pm) [edit] |
Did you know about 80% of men and women who say they're too busy for a relationship......are really lonely.
Just a psychiatric fact I heard. Wonder if it's true.
Anyways, doing better lately. A certain bastard wouldn't leave me alone till I got what I needed to get out. And ever since, I've felt relieved from what was weighing on my shoulders. I guess you could say....I'm thankful for that bastard. ; )
One more day till I get my tattoo. And yeah, sure I'm excited.
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| Memorial Run |
| 08.21.04 (9:37 pm) [edit] |
Saw 2 old close friends that were also really close to Peter today, it was great to see them again, but at the same time, it brought back so many memories. Then there was the race, I tend to stay in the shadows not just because I hate meaningless chit chat, but just because I can reminisce alone in my memories. Man....watching people cross the finish line....reminds me of all Peter's races because he wanted me at every one, and so I was at almost every single one. He'd always tell me to be at the finish line so that when he sees me there, he'll run faster to get to where I am. Just watching the first guy cross the finish line, so much of me kept wishing I'd see Peter cross that finish line this morning with his hands made into #1's held high in the air and see him smiling as he got closer to me to give me a huge hug. ....Then reality hits and I know that will never happen again. Because he's gone. My chest hurt so bad that my eyes started to water.
I had a thank you card I made for his parents, thanking them for the graduation gift and also made a scan of all the little notes Peter would leave on my car if we missed each other that day. I just wanted to share something that was really special to me that I shared with their son. I dreaded seeing them all last night, but at the same time wanted to see them just to know they're all doing alright. But in the end, I couldn't face them, it's just too hard, I get choked up and just don't approach them. Plus everyone crowds around them. I know they saw me. But I chose to leave the card and copy on their windshield and left without even saying hi....
Today made me realize how much I deny myself to admit....that I miss Peter, so badly. We try to hide what hurts us most and that's the subject that's most painful in my heart. The one I'd rather not talk about.
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| Bastards |
| 08.20.04 (7:32 pm) [edit] |
Stupid bastards....way to hang out where I can't be. What a fucking hassle. Thanks for saying let's hang out and not. Call my ex a dick or asshole, then go and do a dick or asshole thing, the heck...?
Shit.
I need a thank you card for Peter's parents for tomorrow morning. *Sigh* not like I'm looking forward to the whole event....
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| Mall? |
| 08.20.04 (1:54 am) [edit] |
Went out with Amy and her boyfriend Steven. They're pretty cool to hang with, don't feel like a third wheel or any shit like that. Amy is funny and pretty outgoing and Steven is a really nice guy who's also pretty funny and is very gentleman-like. They go really good together.
Fucking shit they kept trying to set me up, which quickly hit the point of, annoying as hell. So around 9 we ended up at the mall. Weird though, guys kept coming up to me talking, flirting, eyeing me, fuck if I know. But Wth do I have single written all over my face. One of the guys I got a number from knew Steven. ....I don't know, I guess he was good looking, but I didn't stare at him every 3 seconds saying he was hot like Amy did.....
Hmm...I'm not one for flirting or eyeing someone, if you're going to talk to me, talk, if not, don't waste my time. Or if I'm interested enough, I'll talk to them, that's how it works. I'm not into the flirting shit (acting blonde), stupid games (being a bitch), or meaningless flings (just a slut). I don't give out my number, but I ended up getting a few numbers out of the time we spent at the mall...don't know what to do with them yet. Something I dislike about dating is feeling like you'll end up having to explain your life all over again to someone new. Eh, whatever, I'll think about it.
These are just my thoughts, no hidden meaning or shit like that because I don't care about that kind of crap. Just a weird night, that's all.
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| Past |
| 08.18.04 (10:01 pm) [edit] |
Just sitting here, thinking. When asked what I see in a certain person and why, why him. I think about the past. I can't say right off the top of my head. But for some reason at this moment, I remember how he held me, how he looked at me, and how I didn't have to say anything that night, a month after Peter had died. Something I wouldn't do in front of others, I could do in front of him, just cry.
I guess that and other reasons is why I will always care about him, if we're friends or more. He can think all he wants, but I already know. That no matter what I'll always want to be his friend. I don't want him to push me away and disappear from his life.
My aunt who had yet to find anyone that she could settle down with, told me one thing you can never regret is holding on to what's dear to you. Hmm...crazy, memories coming up just like that. Time to end this post.
That's all for tonight.
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| Off work |
| 08.17.04 (12:24 am) [edit] |
Just got off work....tired....but in a huge way wish I was still working. Though this isn't worth posting....don't care. This post is nothing interesting, nothing deep, nothing great, nothing overall but short. If anything be grateful wasting only a minute to read this.
Here's a little realistic view: [i][b]'wishes don't come true'[/b][/i], [i][b]'prayers won't be answered'[/b][/i], [i][b]'there isn't a reason for everything'[/b][/i], believing otherwise, you could put those all into one word....[b]hopeful[/b]. I'll put them into another one....[b]naive[/b]. Don't waste your time, your effort because it will only lead to disappointment. Hopes and dreams are just false pretense and security. Human nature, whatever you want to call it, in the end you're just a pawn to religion or your own selfish emotions. The only thing people will always have, is just an [u]excuse[/u].
Later.
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| Yet Again |
| 08.15.04 (2:03 am) [edit] |
[b]- You came into my life at the wrong time.[/b]
[i]+I'd like to give us another chance.[/i]
[b]- I still have feelings for someone else.[/b]
[i]+I know there's nothing that can happen with that person but I know I feel something for you, I'd like to see where we go.[/i]
[b]- I want to be free. I need to figure out my life.[/b]
[i]+I've been thinking about you constantly. I don't think free is what I wanted, I miss you.[/i]
[b]- I don't know if I can return your feelings.[/b]
[i]+I guess I just doubt and am afraid of you being the one to hurt me. I think it's time for a change.[/i]
[b]- I don't know if I love you.[/b]
[i]+You're the only person I've ever said that to, I do love you. This is the last time I'll hurt you.[/i]
[b]- I feel nothing for you. We should never be together, I'm sure of that. Just go home.[/b]
For all the times it's happened, I remember it as if it just happened, the main things that were said each time we broke up and got back together. Contradicting everything, I don't knows, and a cold look, every break-up it's amazing I'm not pissed off to no end or crying a freaking river. After 6 times, guess I'm used to it. After that many times...uhhh I don't deserve to let myself be mad or sad anyways. But it still hurts, anyone who's been told any of those things, duh. We're different, no fuck, a blind man could see that from the nose-bleed section in a stadium, but that's a gay excuse. Made him happy when I was there, but when I wasn't (which I couldn't control) somehow made him unhappy. Even if I was there 24/7 he'd probably say I'm suffocating him. I'm stubborn, he's stubborn, oh holy shit, look there's a similarity. But it's because his reasons contradict the others and his I don't know is neither a solid answer of yes or no. Even putting up with the shallow break-ups on the phone or online, yeah we're different, I'm upfront and he isn't. Jesus Christ, anyone could say they're different from someone else about so many dumb little things. You have doubt, so do I, what a shock...it's called being human. Or maybe he's just pessimistic when it comes to relationships for his own reasons, who knows. I'm not trying to play the blame game or who hurt who. That's not what a relationship is about. Analyzing every little negative thing is what will end one though. I don't think he'd remember what he said in the past or any of the memories good or bad. He doesn't even know how many times he's broken up with me.
Don't we learn when we're younger that everyone is different, everyone has their own flaws, but that you can get used to someone, like them for who they are, and even go beyond that. That's grade school learning right there.
I guess I should get a clue. Maybe it really was nothing to him...I was just good company for when he was lonely, nothing more. It's not as though I was oblivous to what people thought of him, of us, or how they felt sorry for me and thought of him as an ass hole or flake, and felt I deserved better but didn't say anything because they didn't feel it was their business. I knew. Guess I didn't want to end up kicking myself later if I didn't take him back. I care for the guy, I really do, but I can't say things like ever, never, or forever, everything is a possibility. Things happen. Obviously, stupidly hoping for a loss cause can happen to.... Who knows, all I know is that he did make me happy and I liked it more than I can describe when I made him happy too. I like to think I didn't waste all that time, I don't regret taking him back how many times or any time I spent with him, and still think he is a good guy, more than what he gives himself credit for and more than what others give him credit for. ...At least he can't put me on his bitch list for ex's. If you can't let yourself be happy, then you won't be. Right? Along with another thing that happened tonight...what a shitty...shitty...shitty night. No ones fault, just bad luck I guess.
Maybe it was like a concert ticket: just a memory, could have a good time with anyone, nothing special, something that can be thrown away in the end.
But it's strange...for some reason I held on to my ticket & it's been with me since the concert...it meant something really special to me...I guess I'm wishing I hadn't let it go now...but I left it with someone and it will probably end up like the other one it originally came with....
Even now, when I think of him, 'it shouldn't have happened' doesn't come to mind. If I had the chance, I'd do it the same all over again. An upside? Thanks to him I know how good country music actually is.
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| Post |
| 08.06.04 (10:11 pm) [edit] |
So uh not much is new lately. Not surprising. People who read this are basically the people I hang out with when I'm not working. So, nothing new.
Hm...this Sunday is going to be hell, a nice 13 hour day. It'll be: Long, Annoying, Tiring, and Exhausting. Won't be done until pretty late... Most people would see it as, Nice $$$. But until then I see it as, Fuck @!%.
In my spare time, I enjoy seeing an overpriced $9 movie because I tend to miss matinees, eating unhealthy fast food, wasting gas on figuring out what to do for the day or night, sitting on my ass in front of the computer or tv if I'm too lazy/cheap, walking in on a movie friends are almost done watching, or playing with the little guy that scratches the hell out of me. Sarcasm, ; ).
But to be honest one of the best parts of having a day off or finishing work is getting to see my boyfriend because I can't help but smile or laugh when I'm around him. The friends that I hang with are pretty cool too. Except Hines, Ryan, Aaron, Gnome, Whitey, Alex, and Tiff. Haha.
Hey, short post. Kind of.
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SONG(s) :
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
Huh ......
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